I can see I’m happy, I’ve been happy lately.
It’s not the kind of hyper happyness i was used too, it’s just something more calm, the fact I know actually nothing is really bad, so I can be happy because nothing is really bad right now.
I am trying to ignore my university stress, and it’s a huge thing to be ignored, but I don’t want it to get me and destroy me.
Looking towards more happy days.
Something happened that confused me, a lot, and I can’t stop thinking about it and thinking I acted in a bad way and made someone suffer.
I can’t lie to my self and had to act this way, but still …. I know nothing of what’s going on inside my head.
Sometimes you think you are over it, you are fine now, instead you recognize that the minimum chabge, the minimum little non perfect thing, can bring you down again.
I know I’m not safe, I’m still walking on a rope, I learnt to do it better and it seems I can’t fall, but I can.
I don’t want time to turn back and bring me again to what I used to be, I have to fight this, but the main problem is that the reason of all this is still there, and I don’t think I can be totally safe till I don’t solve the problem at the root.
I’m back from my short visit to Zurich. It’s been really interesting, and when the university-related interested stuff ended in the afternoons, I had a lot of fun going around the city with my “friends”.
And I say “friends” because they were mostly people I used to met only at lessons and never go out with them outside university, but we mixed and matched pretty well, I aslo met some nice guys from the 3 years degree I had never seen before, really funny, made me laugh a lot.
Too bad I had no camera, so now I only have to wait for the others to give me pics they took, wishing I don’t look too bad in them (but afterall .. it’s me .. so it must be some sort of bad looking).
I’ve been really surprised by the fact that Zurich is kinda dead at night (during the week) … here if you go out at midnight you find opened bars, pubs and people there, also on monday, there … nothing … all closed … we had to wait for friday to go to a nice bar and got drunk (aaaah … wine … I know, being in Switzerland I should have taken beer, but I love wine).
Aside from being dead at night, the city is really nice, and is good at 7 pm .. it’s all crowded, full of people, and saturday morning it was nice too … too bad I could not see it saturday night .. I’m sure it’d have been a good experience … well .. maybe I’ll turn back there, one day …
Note for slef:
When you donate blood it’s better to eat something before going out with friend, because when you go out with friends you won’t probably be able to eat anything before midnight and you’ll end up feeling all dizzy ….
Yes .. that’s what happened yesterday .. I’ve been a sick party pooper till midnight, then I managed to grab a chicken sandwich .. a lot better .. and a fanta too … felt like I was alive again .. but I ruined the first half of the night out …
Today I woke up at 11.30 am, had lunch, did some houseworks, played PETS, it’s 4.30 pm and I’m still in my pj.
I have to go to the mall, go visit 2 friends, phone another friend etc .. but I’m feeling so lazy, I don’t want to dress up, I just want to waste my time.
Maybe it’s lack of caffeine, dunno … just feeling like I don’t want to do nothing, but I’m fine with it … maybe I should drink a cup of coffee (or 2).
Today my cousin Andrea si getting his specialization. He is an informatic engineer, he comes at my same university, in the same building … but I see him something like … once every 3 months. His mother (my aunt Elisa) has been annoying the whole family (that’s like … 40 people) on the fact today her son, her jewel, is getting a specialization. Tonight I have to go to a party in his house, for the specialization, with all the family … my parents are in crisis because when I graduated aunt Elisa gave me a present of 200 euro .. so now it’d be bad not giving the same amount of money to Andrea … gotta love my penniless parents.
This of course influenced me too, because today I wanted to go to the open market and grab some good but cheap clothing, with my mum’s money of course, since I’ve had no money entries for a long while (ah the good old babysitting days are gone).
Well … of course this is not a tragedy … I can stay without the dress I wanted … afterall it is quite winter-ish .. and temperatures are high again, so .. I’d not even have occasion to wear it.
A thing that surprised me is that my cousin is going to ask university for a phd. Now, when you do a phd they give you a little money, not enough to live on your own, so, even if I admitt that in a corner of my mind I’d love to be Eng.Doc. Anna I’d never do it, because what I really want now is independance. Instead it’s good for him .. afterall if we all tought the same stuff world wouldn’t be that funny …. probably when I’ll be in his position, with a specialization in my pocket I’ll just look for a job, possibly away from here.
It’s not that I hate my family, but I hate living with them. Expecially my father, I’m sure I could get along well with my father if I didn’t have to share a roof with him, instead we go on fighting, my mum says it’s because we have the same (evil) temper … I don’t know, I just know sometimes he gets me to the point I really hate him, and I mean it. And of course there’s the economic side …. I am sure that if I’d find a job near my parents I’ll go on living with them and loaning them money, because they’d be able to make me feel guilty if abandoning them in such a needy moment (that is going on since I was something like 11 yo) … of course I don’t want to “abandon” them … just set them free of my economical weight.
But now .. thinking about it is just random babbling, this is something that’ll happen in more then 1 year (if I’m lucky and study hard) …. all I have to do is dig my self in the books .. yes .. I’ll do it .. really .. trust me ….
Sometimes is hard to recognize one of your best friend is doing a big error, one of that things that may change your whole life, and in a bad way (I’m sure it won’t be any good). I don’t know how many times I told her he was bad for her, and she agreed with me, but then went all like “yes but ..” .. but what? He is engaged, but she goes on looking for him and hiding from him …. can’t make up her mind .. and when finally i tought it was done, when finally I tought I dragged her against from him (evil, full of self, vain piece of s**t) she fell in his arms. She whispered me of their long kiss, in his car, after an msn argument … too bad I was not too drunk that night or I may have told her what I actually tought “I think he is an asshole” … but no .. because when a friend tells a girl the guy she loves is an asshole, it is the friend that becames an evil bitch to her eyes. I know he is evil with her, likes to be bossy, likes to make her sound a stupid girl with no brain …
I know I have kinda lost her .. knew it since may actually, but wished she could still be reasonable … no she can’t … she is lost in his eyes (puppy eyes, very cute, I admitt).
I suppose I don’t know love, because I can’t understand this kind of behaviour, I wish I’ll never find a guy like him … but afterall a guy like him would never want me, so I am safe ..
All I can do now is wish I’m wrong, wish she’ll actually be happy with him ….. (and his girlfriend).
Anna
I decided to start over, a new blog, a cut from the past.
I was not feeling happy with stuff I wrote in the past and my old blog was abandoned, since my personality was not suiting it anymore, I consider it a ghost of my past, a bad moment of my life and I don’t want to see that kind of stuff here anymore.
I’m healed now, I could see I’m a new person … well nearly .. experience teachs and I’ll never forget … but yeah, I’m not the same Anna I used to be. YAY for me, be happy with me.
Anna
